|
|
Ayahuasca - Prologue
Disclaimer
I am fortunate to have an eclectic mix of friends. Some friends are hard-core materialists, having faith only in science, and none of that soft science (psychology, sociology) stuff, either. Other friends live in a world of spirits, barely capable of sustaining themselves in the physical realm. And then there are those of us who struggle to reconcile the two realms, living schizophrenic lives.
For all of my friends, I have written the following as simply an accounting of what I saw, heard, and felt. To me, it is unimportant whether or not the following is a dream, a reflection of my own subconscious or a commentary of a journey in another world. You are encouraged to interpret as you please and understand as you are able.
Prologue
On December 13, 1993, my wife Ann was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML), the nastiest and most aggressive form of leukemia. My understanding at the time was that only about 15% of patients with AML would survive for five years. She was brought to remission with chemotherapy by the spring of 1994 and successfully received a bone marrow transplant from her oldest brother in June.
For those of you who are not aware, the chemo and radiation given to a patient about to receive a bone marrow transplant is worse than any midieval torture. Aside from the usual hair loss and nausea we usually associate with chemotherapy, the goal for preparing for a bone marrow transplant is to give enough toxin to kill off every single bone marrow cell in your body, just barely short of killing the patient. This is a tricky balancing act, because the difference between the dose that kills every bone marrow cell and the dose that will kill the patient is not that big. And, if even one cancerous cell survives, the leukemia will return.
And then there is the physical agony. Every mucous membrane inside and outside your body sloughs off, leaving you with excruciatingly painful sores everywhere at once.
Ann used techniques of visual imaging and shamanic journeying to help fight the cancer. In her mind she sent wolfhounds off to hunt down and devour the remaining leukemia cells. And, in her shamanic journeying, she encountered a shaman named Gwynned who taught her how to cope with the pain and survive the treatment. In addition, she encountered a spirit, a "horned woman" with both horns and antlers, who gave Ann healing gifts.
Ann has survived 13 years now since the original diagnosis. Her survival against long odds is remarkable and in my opinion something of a miracle. I greatly admire her courage and determination. She was much braver than I was.
There was one casuality of the leukemia. Our marriage. We had been having problems with our relationship for years, largely due to my own unresolved fears and anxieties over relationships. After Ann recovered, she told me that she had been hurt and angry with me during her illness. While I had done all of the responsible things like care for our daughter Riannon, visit Ann every day in the hospital, be a proper host for Ann's parents, prepare the house for her return, and a zillion other details, I had failed Ann in some serious ways. I would not, could not talk to her about the possibility of her dying and what that might mean for our daughter and myself. I was too afraid to speak to the looming sorrow and loss.
Ann said that she did not know how much time she might have left, but she did not have time to wait for me to overcome my fears. In November, 1996, we separated.
In the years since 1996, we have each gone our separate ways but have remained good friends, mutually supportive, and have worked well together as parents. Largely because of the separation and a subsequent physical injury in 1998, I found myself on a meandering path of spiritual growth, including vision quests, men's groups, assorted workshops, and a practice of Buddhism, lately using the meditative technique of Vipassana.
The Call to Adventure
Joseph Campell said that the first step in a mythic journey is the call to adventure. For me, the call occurred one evening at twilight in April of 2006.
As I stepped out of the door to my apartment, I saw a doe (a deer, a female deer) eating rose buds along the edge of the forest. When I reached the bottom of the steps, I stood watching it for awhile. I walked closer and watched. I walked up to about 20 feet from the doe and sat down and continued to watch. Finally, I called out with little kissing sounds "Come here, come here". I don't know what I was expecting, but to my amazement the deer looked up at me, walked over to about 5 feet away from me and studied my eyes. It then stepped forward, bent its head down and started licking my hands, then my arms, then my upper arms. It continued to clean the salt from my arms for at least 15 minutes. At that point, I got up, excused myself, and went inside for some table salt. When I came back, it took a couple of licks from my hands, and then returned to the rose buds it had been feasting on.
The event was so remarkable that it took on a feeling of significance. For one thing, I saw a possible connection with Ann's Deer Woman from many years ago. So, I became more watchful. A month later, I had a dream, one that has recurred throughout my life. In these dreams, I have committed some horrible crime, perhaps murder. The dreams are so powerful that even after I awaken the feelings persist. The next few days are haunted with an examination of my life, wondering when, where, and how I might have done such a horrible thing. However, in this dream in May there was an extra character. In this dream I was accompanied by a small creature about 2 feet tall and standing on its hind legs. The creature was meek and submissive, as if it had been beaten all of its life. In the dream, I was confused as to whether the creature was a goat or a deer.
I awoke from this dream with three thoughts:
What is the statute of limitation for murder? Could I still be punished (or tormented) for something that I had done in a previous life?
The little creature is a demon, but it doesn't possess me, I possess it, and it's time I let it go.
I have to go to Peru.
Blue Morpho
I cannot remember when I heard it, but one weekend while driving I heard an interview on NPR of someone who had taken Ayahuasca in Peru. The person spoke of her experiences of being healed of depression and anxiety. I don't know if I heard this interview before or after the dream, but this was my first association with going to Peru.
I had been planning on doing volunteer work somewhere in the world once I retired from MIT in September of 2006. I had originally been thinking about Asia, perhaps Thailand. Now I started looking for volunteer work in Peru. I also started researching Ayahuasca. Among other things, I found out that shamans in the Amazon have web sites. I investigated several sites, requesting information by email, but only one responded: Blue Morpho Tours. The universe then started sending me information. I found out that my vision quest guide, Sparrow Hart, had attended Ayahuasca rituals in Peru and said it was very worthwhile, although he cautioned that it was "Strong medicine, not for the faint-hearted". Ann found an article from National Geographic Adventure magazine and sent me a copy. I discovered that it was about the same Blue Morpho company that had responded to me. Ann's mother even found something for me about Ayahuasca.
Given how the universe kept putting Blue Morpho in my awareness, together with the testimonials that I read on their web site, I decided to arrange a trip with them. I tried to book a time in September, but Blue Morpho was filming a documentary then. I tried in October, but uncertainties about my volunteering schedule made that month unrealistic. I finally was forced into the dates December 4-12 as the only viable option.
When I arrived, I discovered that many of the other participants had been guided with similar odd occurances and synchronicities to choose Blue Morpho. There were also many interesting connections with people. For one thing, one of the women there had met Sparrow Hart, the friend who had been my guide on three vision quests. She lives in Gila Hot Springs, NM, about four miles from where I had spent time alone in the Gila Wilderness. She and I had both explored the same alum mine, one in which I had narrowly missed falling down a 40 ft. vertical shaft in the dark.
When I got to Blue Morpho, I had a wave of concerns and anxieties about being there. The shaman who ran Blue Morpho is a young man from California, named Hamilton Souther. How authentic could that be? The facility looked rather touristy. And they were giving Ayahuasca to up to 24 persons at a time. It sounded like a money making business, a tourist trap, and not a place where healing was a serious concern. However, after the first day my concerns had evaporated. From discussions with Hamilton and his apprentices, I came to believe that they were serious, sincere, and capable. Hamilton impressed me as someone who is impeccable (as in the Don Juan, Carlos Casteneda use of the term) in his confidence of his own strengths, abilities, intentions, and discipline. Hamilton and his apprentices are people that I would enjoy having as friends. Finally, Hamilton's mother was also present to take Ayahuasca during the time I was there. If his own mother trusts him enough to drink jungle juice, then I guessed that I could too.
Their approach to shamanism is in one way different from traditional shamanism. Shamanism is a tradition with an ethic that westerners usually find foreign. Shamanism is a product of the jungle. It's pragmatic, earthy, sometimes practiced selfishly, and not necessarily benevolent. Hamilton is attempting to bridge the gap between traditional shamanism and western spirituality, converting the practice to one that tries to invoke notions of compassion and love, angels and light. Hamilton says that most shamans tend to battle demons, and in so doing employ dark energies to combat dark energies. His intention is to use light energies and thus only work in defensive, protective modes. His view is that even in a spirit world, judgement and righteousness eventually lead to dark energies of contempt, intolerance, and hatred, an attitude that I find compatable with my own Buddhist sentiments.
Footnote
On the way to Peru, in the Houston airport on October 5th, I came across a group of people who were volunteer fund raisers for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They were wearing "Team In Training" T-shirts, a group that trains people to run marathons for the LLS. Ann has participated in this program several times and I have contributed money to the cause. I had the impulse to stop and thank these people for the work that they do. Instead, I started to choke up as I approached them and detoured into the restroom. When I came out, they were gone. Three days later, in the Lima International Airport on my way to Puerto Maldonado, I came across a group of people wearing Anthony Nolan Society T-shirts, a British organization that also does fund raising for leukemia research. This time I was able to stop and talk to a couple of the members. They were on their way to hike the Inca Trail near Cusco as a way of raising money.
CONTINUE
Copyright (c) 2007 by Dick Delanoy
Pictures included with permission from Blue Morpho Tours
|
|
|
